Listening is key to helping young people deal with grief

By Erin Thomas, 18, with contributions from Danielle Thoune, 14; Travis Ryan, 11, and Lane Whitley, 10

“Grief is defined as love. If you love someone and they die, then you are going to feel grief. It hurts, but it’s supposed to hurt. That tells us we love that person very much."
— Sharon Milkovich, health educator and bereavement counselor, Lake Superior Hospice in Marquette.

Grief is a natural reaction to losing someone you love, but knowing how to support others who are grieving is something that is learned. When those who grieve are children, it can be especially hard for them because it is usually their first experience with grief.

Milkovich, who counsels children and adults, said it is important to support children who are grieving by listening and respecting their ways of dealing with grief.

Alaina Reschka, 13, and Taylor Reschka, 15, of Marquette, lost their mother to cancer in 2001.

“Ever since Mom died I was the only girl [at home] in the family. So I didn’t hang around with anybody,” said Alaina. “People say that talking to someone about it [is helpful] but actually I didn’t do that much. I like to be alone about it a lot.”

Taylor also said he felt the need to deal with much of his grief alone.
“[I’m] still dealing with it right now, but [I] just suck it up and go through life,” said Taylor.

People cope with grief in many ways, said Milkovich. “Cry, laugh, through telling stories — it’s real helpful to draw pictures,” she said. “Older children can write poetry, do some art projects, can write music. You have to do what you have to do to go through the grieving process.”

Alaina said she has “her mom’s hands," because she is artistic and creative like her mother was. Alaina is using those gifts to work through her grief.

“I had been writing lyrics and poetry and I’m starting to write stories," she said. "I’m working on one but I’m in a writer’s block.”

A young person's reaction may be very different than an adult's.

“Usually adults have had losses before in their lives,” said Milkovich. “So some of these feelings that they’re having, be it anger or shock or numbness or sadness, they have had these feelings before, so they're not too foreign or scary to them. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt."

Even if adults have experienced a loss and kids haven’t, Taylor says the adult may hurt more because they’ve known the person longer.

“The kids haven’t been with that person as long as the adult has, so the adult you would think would be stronger, but they aren’t because they’ve lived with them longer than kids have remembered.”

Alaina says she and her dad reacted similarly. “I think we’re both equal," she said. "We both cried about it.”

Milkovich said in the event of a loss, it is helpful to talk to someone.

“When we have these feelings inside us, these feelings of sadness and sometimes anger and hurt and loneliness, if we don’t talk about them we try to cover them up,” she said. “We don’t talk about them because they make us cry. But we cry for a reason and that helps us to relieve tension and to get our feeling out."

Alaina talked with a counselor after the loss of her mother. “[My family] signed me up to talk to somebody. Usually I had to say, ‘Sure, why not.’ It did feel good.”

For Taylor, his older sister, Stacy was the best person to talk to.

“She helped me a lot because she knew Mom best,” he said.

Milkovich says it is important to listen to young people who are going through a loss if they need to talk.

“Just be attentive. Be caring. Don’t judge. Be quiet. Listen. Don’t think you have all the answers. If you really listen to a child, the child will tell you what they need," she said.

After their loss, Alaina and Taylor noticed they were treated differently by their peers.

“People started calling me stupid,” said Alaina. “I remember one time in sixth grade I told someone that my mom died on March 7, and then after lunch I looked in my locker and there was a note that said, ‘March is the happiest month, even on the seventh.’ They were being jerks about it.”
Taylor had the opposite reaction from his peers.

“They stopped being jerks," he said. "They’d ask to talk about it, and I wouldn’t want to, but just asking means they care and they’re trying to help. They were nice around me. But some of that I feel is artificial, so I don’t know. I don’t feel it’s artificial anymore because they’ve been doing it for over three years.”

Milkovich said survivors continue to love a person who has died, and they can still have a fulfilling life while remembering their loved one.

Taylor cherishes the memories of his mom.

“Mom would back me up," he said. "She wouldn’t care what I did, but if she had the gut feeling I was going to do something bad she would not let me do anything like that.”

Alaina is reminded of her mom when she looks at her family, and that inspires her.

“My sister, my brother, me and Mom looked almost exactly like each other. I think it’s because of our eyes and our hair,” said Alaina. “[Since my loss] I started to try to go to my dreams somehow. I want to become a singer and actress or I think I will be a better person as a writer.”

People need to realize they aren't going to go through life without grief, so they need to be able to deal with it, says Milkovich.

"They say the only way to get through this life without grieving is to go through life without loving," she said. "Most of us don’t go through life without loving someone. We are going to face grief somewhere along the line. People need to feel comfortable to talk about grief and to talk about their loss."
Taylor’s advice to others experiencing loss is to deal with it however you need to.

“Do what your heart tells you,” he said. “It’s alright to cry when someone is lost. That’s what Dad told me.”